Trying to Look into the Future, but the Past still
by alexeil
Summary: Sally, tormented by guilt from her past, tries to start a new life with the Newsies especialy Jack


Notes:  
  
1)This is my first Newsies fanfic. I know it's not very original. And I've probably made some mistakes with accuracy and characterization. But I just wrote it for my own enjoyment and not looking for any awards or anything, heh. Maybe some of you will get a kick out of reading it too though. Any comments are welcome, fell free to e-mail me at alexeil@aol.com or aim alexeil.  
  
2) I suck at writing accents so I've left most of the boys' dialogue in plain English. But I figure you know how they sound if you've watched the movie as many times as me anywayz ^_^  
  
3) The song quoted at the beginning wasn't so much inspirational as it just seemed to fit with the mood of the story. It's a bit long, but I think it's beautiful if you want to take the time to read it.  
  
"Trying to Look into the Future, but the Past still Clouds my Eyes"  
  
By Rhapsody  
  
Rating: PG-13 for violence mostly Genre: drama, some romance and action  
  
"A city that forgot even how to shine swarms of sleepwalkers In the snowdrift of ambition gone bad I looked up at the building severing the night sky No dreams in this world In this city where even the shining stars can't be seen in the night sky I search for an end Tonight I held up a thin finger to block the light searching for an answer Shaking, shaking, now my heart can't believe in anything What was blossoming was my rosy heart Shaking, shaking, in this world I'm also unable to love Like sorrowfully bright petals I loved you I can't let you near I can't hold you close I love you too much I've pricked my heart But still I search for light I choose my final way Whether I bloom or fall, is up to me Shaking, shaking, now my heart can't believe in anything What blossomed was my rosy heart Shaking, shaking, in this world I'm also unable to love Will it scatter in vain? Like the petals" ~from "Rosier" by Luna Sea  
  
Chapter 1  
  
It was a warm pleasant day in New York City in the summer of 1890. Throughout the streets the noise level was at it's usual drone. People yelling greetings at each other, a fist fight breaking out over a wager, a newsie selling his wares, a horse drawn cart rolling by. In all that bustle on the street no one could hear as far as a few feet away from them, let alone up to the sixth floor of an apartment nearby. But if they could, they would have heard a small child crying. It was quite a loud voice coming from so small a girl. But it matched the sadness and lose she felt in it's volume. She was perhaps 5 at the oldest, possessing a head full of black curls as dark as midnight. When her eyes were not clamped shut with tears, they shown a beautiful dark purple. She was pale and slight, everyone said she would be a beauty when she grew up. Her name was Samantha Ann Versicla, normally called Sally by most people. But at that moment none of that mattered to her. "Now Sally Ann don't cry. Don't worry my dear, we're going to be all right. You'll see." The voice was her mother's. "But Momma, WHY did he leave? Why do you say he's not coming back? Where did he go? Is he mad at me? Doesn't he love us anymore?" The questions poured out of her mouth as fast as the tears from her eyes. "I know this is hard for you to understand darling, but your father is gone." She put her finger to Sally's lips to stop the flow of questions from coming again. "It's not your fault. Your father, though I loved him, was not the most faithful of men. He truly wanted to settle down with us, I know he did. He tried to find work, but it was hard for him. So when that young beauty set her sights on him he forgot what was really important. He ran off with her to Europe, or so his letter says. And he's not coming back..." At this point her mother choked up, forcing herself to not join her daughter in crying. "Now he left us some money, but it won't last long. I'm going to have to find a job. But we'll make do, we will. We don't need him, you'll see." She tried with much difficulty to instill in Sally more confidence than she herself felt. For a long time after his abandoning his family, Sally waited for her father to come back. But he never did. Her mother found work in a shirt factory not far from their home. But the wages were low, the hours long, and the work difficult. Sally hardly ever saw her. She began to hate her father for leaving them and wishing she could work herself. But her mother insisted she stay in school. "Your education is the most important thing. A woman is only at even more of a disadvantage if she's uneducated. You'll never be able to do the hard labor that men do to earn their living so your best bet is to become a teacher or nurse to support yourself. I don't want you to have to depend on a husband or sewing, cleaning, and cooking for others your whole life." They were walking along the street late one evening when her mother said this. "Look at that flower on the side of the road." Her mother had said, " Despite everyone's thoughtless trampling of it, it still struggles to live. To add some beauty and good to this world before it's done here. You must be stronger than that flower to live in this city, my daughter. For your way will not be easy, but you will succeed if you never give up." From that day onward Sally had always loved flowers. She kept pots of them in her room and tended to them at every chance. She believed they were a sign of hope and new beginnings and the belief that no matter how small and seemingly powerless you were, if you tried hard enough you had a chance to live beautifully. But Sally's own hope for the future was about to take a terrible blow. She was on her way home from school when she saw smoke rising in the distance. A terrible dread came to her when he realized it was coming from the direction of the factory her mother worked at! By the time she got there, there was not much left of the building. She was lucky to have missed to horrific events of earlier, the firemen told her. But where was her mother? Surely she had gotten out in time? The fireman told her gently there had been no survivors. The doors to the factory had been locked and no one could escape. As the horror and shock of her lose set in, Sally could do nothing but stare coldly forward as she was handed over to a nun and pulled away from the life she had just begun to again find joy in. She was 10 years old.  
  
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"Samantha Ann, you get in here right this minute young lady!" The older woman's shrill voice pierced through Sally's memories abruptly. She had been on the rooftop of the orphanage tending her meager garden and had totally lost track of time. She ran quickly downstairs anticipating the trouble she was going to be in. She was right, the moment she walked into the main room of the orphanage, her home since her mother's death, Sister Amilia began hollering at her, "Samantha! I don't believe you! You're nearly 16 years old now and still you're constantly up on that roof, dreaming your life away and neglecting your responsibilities! I told you that I was going away to hand out food on the streets today and you'd have to watch the younger children for me. But do you remember? Of course not, you care more about your little plants than other people!" This was of course not true. Sally had nothing against the other children at the orphanage. But somehow even after almost 6 years living there she had made no real friends. She was rarely picked on, it was just that none of them seemed to understand her. She had so many dreams of a better life. She believed there was more out there for her than needlework and tending children. She longed for freedom and independence. Characteristics not very fitting for a young lady. But still she did her best to help out the nuns. They had provided for her all this time after all. So she hastily apologized to Sister Amilia and promised to look after the younger children while she was gone. If only she had known then that that promise was going to forever change the course of her life. For both good and bad, things would never be the same.  
  
Chapter 2  
  
As much as Sally wanted to help out to repay the nuns for her home and food, she always felt quite overwhelmed watching the children. She wasn't particularly good at being in charge. She had difficulty taking part in their games. She didn't really understand them any more than they understood her. She marked the end of her childhood as when he father had left her and her mother. Ever since then she felt she had had to grow up so fast, learn to take care of herself while her mother worked, that she had forgotten how to have fun with lively children. She was much more an introverted person, quiet and more at peace when she was alone with her flowers than with a group of people. She liked people, she just felt at a lose as to how to relate to them sometimes. So that day Sally decided to try a new approach to connecting with the children. She took a small group of them to the rooftop and showed them her plants. She hoped they would find them as beautiful and interesting as she did. But sadly she just couldn't find the word to explain their appeal that she needed. One boy of about 7 grabbed one of her pots of flowers and ran to the side of the roof with it. "No, now stop that! Put that down!" She scolded. He ignored her and sat on the ledge of the roof holding the flower pot, examining it. "You like these ones a lot?" The little boy asked her. "Yes of course." She said walking up next to him. She silently cursed her long skirts, she could never keep up with the boys in them. "They're called violets. They're very pretty aren't they?" In fact, those particular flowers she had a very powerful fondness for. They were the type her mother had pointed out to her on the street so long ago. She had rescued those from a similar street and had cared for them especially. The boy however didn't seem to appriate their beauty. "You like these flowers more than you like us!" He accused. "That's not true." She responded. "Oh really? Well then you won't get mad if I do this." The boy smiled cruelly at her and the dropped her flower pot over the side of the building. Sally gasped and ran to the side of the roof just in time to watch the pot shatter on the street and the flowers get trampled by a carriage. The boy sat of the ledge of the roof and laughed at her. "Serves you right! You ought to be sewing up our pants and learning to cook, not wasting your time up here! Are you really a girl or did your momma give birth to some freak?" Hearing these words, Sally reacted without thinking and slapped the boy across his face...knocking him off the roof and plummeting the seven floors to the street below. Sally screamed and reached out toward him, but it was too late. Her eyes blurred with tears, but she still saw his crumpled body on the ground as a crowd gathered around him. That image would be forever burned into her mind. The rest of the day's events Sally looked on as if in a dream. It felt the same as when he mother was killed. Like she had no control over what was happening to her and could only watch as events passed before her eyes. The police deemed it was an accident, partly because of the other children's description of what had happened, and partly because they found it hard to believe a young girl would forcefully push a boy off a building. But Sally knew it was her fault. She knew he was dead because of her. They said he died instantly, trying to comfort her. But it didn't work, she knew she was a monster. She knew they had all been proven right. She did care more about her plants than people. Why else would she have done such a stupid thing? The nuns put her to bed saying things about God's forgiveness. But Sally saw the look of distaste and blame in their eyes when they looked at her. All the other children avoided her as if terrified. She didn't know if they had defended her because they had known what happened or because they were afraid she'd do the same to them if they didn't. She barely slept that night, but when she did she dreamt of her mother. Her mother sill loved her and understood her. She told Sally it wasn't her fault that they boy had died. That he was an angel with her right now. That Sally shouldn't blame herself. Accidents, even ones as terrible as this, were still accidents and no one's fault. This dream, while not doing much to relieve Sally's guilt, did convince she could not totally hate herself for it. She could not commit suicide as she had thought when it was first discovered he had died. She surprised herself that she still had a strong will to live. She doubted she would ever forgive herself completely, but she believed that suicide would do no one any good. She had to continue to live in hopes that someday somehow she would do something good enough to make up for the horrible bad that she had done. She then decided she needed to leave the orphanage. She could never be accepted there again. She would leave early the next morning, find a new identity, find a place she could do something useful. She still believed she could do something good with her life. But at that moment she lost the belief that she could ever have real friends again. She had always held on to the hope that she would someday find someone that would understand and love her. Maybe even a boy that she could marry and start a family with. One that would never leave her and she would do everything she could to support him in return. But who could love her after what she had done? If anyone found out they would hate her. She was truly alone in the world.  
  
Chapter 3  
  
When Sally's mind was made up to leave, a new hope filled her mind. Maybe somehow she could really do enough good to make up for the bad she had done. She wasn't sure how yet, but if she got out there into the world she believed she would find it. First thing was first though, she would need to make money to support herself. And as a girl that would be hard. She would never work in the clothing factories the like of which had killed her mother. And that left what? Cleaning and cooking were things she knew nothing about and she couldn't stand the thought of working for people that mind discover what she had done. That left whoring, which she still found repulsive, even as desperate as she was. Since she would likely never find a man that could love her she would rather just live her whole life as a virgin. Then she had an sudden inspiration, why did she need to be a girl at all? She had heard of other girls that had dressed up as boys and gotten away with it. But only for awhile, somehow they had always gotten found out. Well she would just have to be more clever than them. She already felt she had an upper hand because she didn't care about her looks since she would never have a boyfriend anyway. Girls in the stories she read were always getting discovered when their hats fell off to reveal long hair. Sally got out of bed and decided to cut her hair off right then. She looked at the mirror sadly, her black hair fell nearly to her waist. It was beautiful she supposed, but she couldn't think about it for long. She got a small knife used for cutting food and began hacking it off. She didn't stop at her shoulders either. When she was done all she had was a small mop of black hair that fell over her eyes. Well that's good, she thought. I ought to cover up my eyes, they are pretty feminine. She looked at the mess of hair all over the floor and hurried to sweep it up and throw it away. She had no trouble finding boy's clothes that fit her. However looking in the mirror she saw her form was still definitely female. She was skinny, but she was still 16, she had already developed features that younger girls wouldn't have to worry about hiding. She took the clothes off and found some other pieces of cloth. A little padding here and a little binding there made her much more satisfied. She then went up to her garden for the last time. Not to say good bye to her plants. Doing something like that would have reminded her of her guilt. But she took handfuls of dirt and smeared it across her face and clothes. Now hopefully her complexion would no longer give her away. Finally she was satisfied and headed out into the early morning streets. She barely looked back at the orphanage that had been her home for so many years. She knew she would never be back. She had never had any sense of family there, even before she had committed her unforgivable sin. She walked down the street cautiously. She wondered if her costume would fool anyone. As she got further away from the orphanage and no one stopped her she gained more confidence. She walked for a long time, but didn't come into direct contact with any people. There were people on the streets, but none of them gave her a second look. She hoped that meant that she was blending in as a boy. The buildings had begun to get taller and the streets more populated. Sally looked up above her, surprised by how far she had gone. She was distracted by the view and bumped into a man. "What're you doing boy!? Look where you're going, unless you want to get pounded in the ground!" He shouted at her. She ran off with a huge grin on her face. It had worked! He thought she was a boy! Then another realization came to her, she could run! Without skirts her legs seemed to have a power she had never dreamed of. She wondered why women ever wore dresses and if men knew how lucky they were to be able to always go around in pants. Sally slowed as she got out of breath. She still had the huge problem of finding work. Even as a boy, jobs were not easy to come by. She had few skills and refused to be cooped up in a factory. As she walked she looked around for inspiration. She was just beginning to loose hope as she heard a newsboy yelling nearby. "Extra, extra! More fighting over railroad construction!" She stared at the boy selling that papers, he didn't look much younger than herself. Maybe that was something she could do? Sure she wasn't very good with people, but selling a paper meant dealing with hundreds of different people every day, right? If all she saw were strangers, then there was less chance of anyone finding out her secret. The newsie noticed her staring and headed toward her, "You want a pape kid? Tho I somehow doubt you can afford it, no offense." "Uh, no." she stammered. As he went to walk away, she added "Where can I get papers to sell?" He chuckled at her slightly. "New to the city? Well just go down that street there, see it? And you can get as many as you can afford to try to sell." She stammered a thank you and was just about to move in the direction he had indicated when he stopped her. "You need a bit or two to get started? I could maybe loan you some." She was about to refuse when he added, "It ain't no charity or nothing. You can pay me back when you're done today. I'm guessing your gonna be staying at the boarding house for the newsies, right?" Sally's mouth fell upon, but she didn't have time to ask him how he could guess so much. "You just look like a boy that recently lost a lot is all. I'll consider this an investment for now. You go down there and ask for Jack Kelly, people call him Cowboy, to show you the ropes. Tell him Racetrack sent ya." He shoved the money into Sally's hands before she could protest. "No time for argument, I gotta get going. Got a hot tip on a horse today. See ya later!" The boy ran off before Sally even had a chance to thank him. He was cute, in an odd sort of way. But what Sally was most amazed by was his kindness. Maybe what she had heard about the newsies looking out for each other was true. She didn't dare hope to find any friends among them though. She knew no one would be her friend if they ever found out the truth about her. But still, this could be the starting opportunity she had been looking for. She headed off to find this Jack Kelly and her future.  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Sally walked into the newspaper distribution area cautiously. It was still rather early in the morning so papers were still be distributed out. She looked around for someone to ask for this Kelly. In a way she hated asking for help, but she knew she needed it. She had seen papers being sold often enough, but really didn't know how to begin selling them herself. She noticed a boy walking slowly on a crutch, he seemed to have a bright smile so she figured he was a good person to ask first. "Uhm...excuse me. I'm new around here and was told to ask for Jack Kelly help teach me a about selling papers." The boy looked up at her and answered kindly, "Oh Jack's here. I could take you to him...But wait, maybe it's not such a great idea. He's been real down in the dumps lately." A smaller boy, couldn't have been more than 7, piped up behind him, "Yeah, I asked him to sell papes with me today, but he wouldn't even get out of bed. Been like that for almost a month. Ever since...well you know Crutchy." "Yeah, I know." The boy apparently named Crutchy answered. "Really wish I could do something for Jack. I really do. But he don't listen to me." He shook his head sadly. Crutchy turned back to face Sally, "Sorry, but guess you'll havta sell by yourself for your first day. I'd go with ya, but it'd only make it worse for both of us. I'd slow ya down and people don't have sympathy for a cripple if he's got someone helping him." "That's ok." She was quick to respond. She didn't want to impose on the boys she'd just met. And besides the more time she spent with them, the more likely they were to figure out her secret. "I'm sure I'll do all right on my own." "See you later then. Oh, what's your name? I'm Crutchy and this here is Mouse." He added referring to the younger boy. "I'm Sa...Sam." Sally mentally scolded herself for not thinking of a boys name sooner! Well Sam worked, it was close enough to her real name that she would remember to answer to it. "Nice to meet you Sam." Crutchy waved to her as he walked off. The younger boy, Mouse, also ran off on his own with a bundle of newspapers. She wondered about someone that young being out on their own, but quickly decided she was the last person to know what's best for little boys. Sally found she had little trouble selling her papers. There were good headlines she discovered she had a loud voice when she chose to use it. It felt good to have an excuse to sing out in the street, even if it was just to advertise the news. And no one had noticed she was anything other than another newsboy walking the streets. Her confidence was growing as the day wore on into late afternoon. She began wondering what she was going to do about sleeping that night. Staying in the newsies lodging house was the easiest answer. But being in those close quarters with that many boys made he chances of being discovered as a girl much greater than out here in the crowds. Could she pull it off? Did she have any choice? Where else was there to sleep besides out in the street? Her thoughts were abruptly halted when she heard a child screaming. She instantly thought of the boy that had died because of her. But he hadn't even screamed. He didn't have time to when he fell, he was too surprised. The thought brought a new found sense of guilt and self-loating upon Sally. She threw down the rest of her papers and ran toward the source of the screaming. Hurrying into an alleyway, she found the source of the screaming. The young boy from that morning, Mouse, was cornered a large man. He was holding a knife and slowly moving toward Mouse as if he were going to stab him. Sally spoke before she could think to be afraid of the consequences, "What do you think you're doing to that boy!?!?" The man turned toward her. "This ain't none of your business boy. This kid stole something from me and I'm just gonna take it out of his hide. So get out of her before I decide to do the same to you!" "It was some candy!" Mouse exclaimed, "You're gonna go to jail for murdering me over one lousy piece of chocolate!?" "Ain't going to jail if I don't get caught, now shut up!" The man kicked Mouse hard in the stomach and the boy suck to his knees. Sally couldn't take anymore, the thought of another little boy dyeing in front of her was too much to bare. She grabbed a piece of wood and charged at the man. She sung at him and he jumped back. Mouse sprung up from the ground and grabbed the man's legs. He threw his knife in the confusion and it grazed Sally's check, barely missing her eye as it flew past and stuck in the wall behind her. She ran at him again and managed to hit the back of his head with the piece of wood. He was knocked down unconscience. But Sally wasn't taking any chances, she grabbed Mouse's hand and ran full speed out of the alleyway. Sally began running aimlessly until Mouse directed her toward the newsie's lodging house. She hesitated before going in, worried that if she did she would end up sleeping there and be discovered for the fake she was. But Mouse pulled her hand and then suddenly began coughing. "Are you all right?" She asked him worried. "I'm fine, just got socked pretty hard in my gut is all. But you're bleeding. Better get something on that or it'll scar." Sally had completely forgotten about being cut by that man's knife. Now running her hand across her face she felt the blood was dripping down her cheek. She smiled a little to herself, glad she had already decided to not worry about being pretty anymore. But she didn't want the cut to get infected. There was no way she had money for a doctor. So she followed Mouse in the lodging house to wash out the wound. Looking around the lodging house she was surprised how much it reminded her of the orphanage. It had the same crowded rooms, bunk beds, level of clean vs. dirt. But there were no girls there. In fact, there were only a few boys there at this hour as most of them were still out selling papers. Mouse pointed to a small area just out of sight, "You can wash up there Sam." As he was about to run off he added, "Oh yeah, thanks for helping me. I coulda taken that guy out on my own of course, but it was awful nice of you." Sally smiled at the boy, but her happiness was short lived. Even if she did help the boy, whether he needed it or not, it didn't make up for her past. He would have never invited her in if he knew about what she had done.  
  
Chapter 5  
  
The blood washed off of Sally's face easily enough.. The cut wasn't that deep but it still hurt. She glanced at herself in a cracked mirror on the wall and sighed. She looked so different than she he had two days ago. Her hair cropped short and stuffed under a hat, her face dirty and bleeding, and in boy's clothes. If she could go meet herself of a few days ago, she doubted she'd have even recognized herself. She really looked for all the world like a young man. A scrawny, pale one to be sure. But almost all the female charms she had noticed in herself before were gone. Her eyes which used to sparkle happily, if a bit lonely, now had taken on a deeper sorrowful haunted look. It still amazed her how fast everything had changed. But she deserved it didn't she? She had brought it all upon herself. "You Sam?" A voice asked from behind her. She answered yes and turned around to lock eyes with one of the most attractive boys she had ever seen. He was about 4 or 5 inches taller than her, had short brown hair that looked like it had been slicked back but was now falling into his eyes, high cheekbones, full lips and...Sally caught herself and stopped staring abruptly. What was she doing!?! Sure the kid was cute, but remember who she was! With what she had done and what she planned to do she couldn't afford to fall in love. Much less ever hope someone would ever fall for her! Hadn't she decided to stop being a girl and give up on ever having any friends again. But still there was something in this boys eyes that gave her pause. They seemed to somehow reflect the same sadness, fear, and lose she felt in her own heart. He however seemed not to give her a second glance. Instead he stepped forward and introduced himself, "I'm Jack Kelly, Cowboy sometimes. Mouse told me what you done for him. I want to thank you and apologize. I shoulda went selling with him today but I was too busy wallowing in my own self pity. I'm really sorry about your face." Sally blinked but didn't ask him for further details. "That's ok, it'll heal. Oh you're the one that Racetrack told me was the best around here." He offered her a weak smile, "Yeah, maybe I am, I used to be anyways. Not matter, thanks again for helping Mouse out. And welcome to the newsies. If you ever need anything just come ask me, we look after each other. Always." He spit in his hand and offered it to her. She was very lucky she had seen some of the boys at the orphanage do this, so she didn't balk. She attempted to spit in her own hand, though her mouth had suddenly gone dry, and shock his hand. She became aware of how much larger and warmer his hand was than hers. For some reason she thought his hand was very beautiful. She realized she was dwelling on him again and quickly pulled her hand back. She mentally reprimanded herself as stupid once again. Why oh why am I falling for a boy now!? I never saw anyone I was ever interested in while I could be a girl and now that everything's happened I find someone I'm attracted to! Talk about my luck being bad! But then she remembered what she had done that she felt had nothing to do with luck. He's only talking to me because he thinks I saved Mouse's life, she thought. If he knew I was responsible for a boy's death he would kick me out of here in no time. Jack still seemed to not notice anything odd about her and for that she was grateful. He led her to a bunch near his own, offered to sell papers with her tomorrow, and told her good night. Sally was relieved to be able to sleep. Because of her adventure that day, which everyone heard of soon enough from Mouse, none of the boys thought to ask her why she feel asleep in all her clothes. The next day Jack sold with her, Mouse tagging along most of the time. She enjoyed herself very much with them. She found Jack to be a kind, humorous boy. But still there was something sad about him. As if he held inside more pain than he could deal with alone, but was not prepared to share it with anyone. She longed to know more about him and why he looked as he did. She knew if her situation were different she could easily have fallen in love with him. But sadly her life was what it was. She was a girl dressed as a boy and she had caused a child's death. She could never hope to deserve happiness again, not with Jack, not with anyone. When she got back to the lodging house that night, she did hear a bit about Jack from the other boys. Seemed he had led a strike against the newspaper owner Pulitzer about a year ago and won. But about 3 months ago he had fallen into a depression. No one wanted to talk about the cause, although Sally suspected they all knew. "But Sam, it's great that you're hear!" Crutchy spoke up when she looked downcast at not finding out more details. "Jack hasn't sold with no body since Dav..." "Shut up!" Racetrack cut him off. "There's no need to tell him about that! If Jack wants him to know he'll tell him when he's ready" Crutchy looked guiltily at Sam, but she smiled at him, "It's ok, it's really none of my business. There are a lot of things in my past that I'd rather not talk about as well."  
  
Chapter 6  
  
Sally was about to lay down for bed when she noticed Racetrack was looking at her oddly. "What is it?" She asked. "Well I was just wondering if ya was gonna take off your over-clothes. Most of us sleep in our long johns here. Ain't nothing to be ashamed of." Sally swallowed hard. And everything had been going so well up until then. "Uhm...I...yeah, of course. I've just gotta go do something first." She rushed out of the room, running past Jack. "What was that all about? You idiots say something to upset the new boy?" He demanded. "Nah, we ain't done nothing." Racetrack looked confused. Jack scratched his head and went out to follow Sam. Jack couldn't explain it, even to himself, but somehow he felt drawn to Sam. He felt the need to take care of him. He hadn't felt motivated to do anything for a very long time, so damned if he was going to let this boy get away before he understood him. For some reason Sam reminded him of himself. He was nothing like Jack really, when he thought about it. He was quiet, shy, and unconfident. Jack was none of these things. But still he saw something in Sam that made him think they had something in common. Like maybe they were both looking for the same thing. Jack found Sam sitting on a street corner, his form barely lit by the lamp post. For a second Jack thought....but that was crazy. This boy had sold papes with him all day long. He had beaten up a grown man attacking Mouse. But yet in this light, with tears in his eyes and his short black hair falling down into his face, he almost looked like....a young girl. Jack shook his head to clear it. Was he that desperate for a date he was seeing a pretty girl in his friend? Sam had to be a boy. Jack had nothing but respect for girls, but there were just some things only guys could do. But yet...he did have many features that seemed feminine. His silence, his gentle attitude, the way he listened when Jack talked. By this point Jack was thoroughly confused. Either a girl had completely swindled him and all the other newsies into believing she was a boy. Or he was having delusions. He liked the first possibility much more than the second. Sure Jack had been out of it lately, but he believed his reason and observational skills were not that far gone. He would have to talk to Sam and find out what was what. He just hoped he could do it without driving his new friend, be it he or she, away. "Heya Sam." Jack spoke softly so as to not startle his friend, but Sam jumped anyway. Jack walked over slowly and sat down on the street corner next to Sam. Sally had been crying for a few minutes, totally at a lose as to what to do. She had really hoped she could stay at the lodge house for longer without being noticed. But she just didn't know how to respond to their questions without being found out. Now Jack had appeared beside her. He was the last person she wanted to see and yet the one person in the world she cared most for at the moment. She wished things were different. She wished she could change the past. She wished there was some way the two of them could be together. But she knew it was impossible. Jack wasn't saying anything just studying her face. When he finally spoke it was with his old confidence. "You're an awfully pretty girl to be sitting in the dirt in those clothes." Sally gasped and jumped to her feet, ready to run. "Wait! No, don't run away!" Jack grabbed her wrist, which just served to frighten her more. "Calm down." He spoke softly, "I'm not mad at you. I'm not going to hurt you. You're the first person I've felt a connection to in a long time. I'd really like to just talk to you. And then maybe you could feel you can talk to me." Sally sat back down cautiously. She really wanted to believe Jack could like her. But even if he could get past the fact she had lied to him and posed as a boy, he could never forgive her for what else she had done. But despite that she wanted to listen to him. She wanted nothing more than to hear what he had to say. He wanted to know and understand him, even if she never saw him again after night. Jack began talking about his past, about how he had always wanted to go to Santa Fe and become a real cowboy. About how he had met David and lead a strike and learned more about himself. He had been happy at that time. Happy with David and Les like brothers. In love with Davey's sister Sarah. Sally swallowed hard at the mention that Jack had loved a girl. But she pushed her emotions for herself away. Her and Jack were not meant to be whether he had a girlfriend already or not. She could tell Jack was having trouble continuing his story beyond that point. So she did what she had thought was impossible, she told him about her own life. About how her father had left her and her mother, about how her mother had been killed in the shirt factory fire. She talked about how important his strike had been to people like her mother. If her mother had been part of a union, the doors would have never been locked and maybe she would have escaped. But this was an old wound, no longer fresh for Sally. It wasn't that hard to talk about her childhood, but what Sally could not talk about remained. She lapsed into silence. Jack looked at her sadly. For the first time in his life he felt he had met a girl that had suffered as much as he had. He had thought of most girls as being somewhat spoiled and coddled by the world. But now he realized they had it just as tough as him, maybe tougher. At least Sam had. Jack realized he didn't know her real name. "It's Samantha Ann Versicla." She said, guessing what he wanted to ask. "But my friends call me Sally." She neglected to mention she hadn't had any friends in a very long time and never expected to again. Jack smiled tenderly at her, wishing silently he could hold her. But he wasn't sure a strong girl like Sally would want that. He had no idea whether she still wanted to be friends with him or not. He knew now without a doubt though, that he wanted to be more than just friends with her. With that new found realization he continued his story. "Everything seemed to be going so great for me after the strike. Davey's dad's arm finally healed and he went back to work. Dave, Les, and Sarah went back to school. I was doing well selling papes and still saw them a lot. I felt like I was king of the world and had everything I ever wanted. But then one day me and Les were out late. He was helping me sell papes. He had skipped school cause he wanted to see me. It started to snow. We couldn't make it back to the lodging or their house. No one would let two newsboys in out of the cold. I made it make ok, but Les...." Jack choked up at this point and bit his lip before he could continue. "Les got pneumonia. He was still so small he couldn't fight it off. The whole family had to move down south for him to be in warmer climate and get better treatment. He survived and got better, but he's never been the same. And they never came back. Sarah still writes me sometimes. But I know she doesn't love me anymore. And I don't know that I ever really loved her. I think I was in love with the idea of having a family. And since I couldn't have one of my own I tried to become part of Davey's. It was my fault Les was out in that storm. It was my fault he got sick. They had to sell everything to move. I was all my fault." Jack lapsed into silence as he finished his story. Sally had tears in her eyes and wished he could say something to comfort him, to convince him it wasn't his fault. But then he continued, "I pretty much gave up on living for awhile after that. Until I met you, Sally. I saw something in you that made me want to try again to find something to live for. You made me feel like despite everything I've done wrong, maybe I can still do something right with my life." "Oh Jack!" Sally was on the verge of crying her eyes out. She wanted to bury her face in Jack's chest and let him hold her. She wanted to make everything all right for him, all right for the both of them. But she couldn't. Jack may have been blaming himself when it wasn't his fault, but her crime was ever so worse. "You wouldn't say those things if you really knew me." She whispered. "If you knew what I've done, you'd hate me." Jack stared into her eyes and spoke, "I couldn't possibly hate you because I'm in love with you. There's nothing you could have done that isn't forgivable. It doesn't matter if I don't know what it is, I know you. And I'm an excellent judge of character." Hearing those words Sally completely broke down. She fell into his arms and through her tears told him the whole story of how she had caused a little boy to fall to his death. "So you see even though I do love you, I don't deserve your love in return. I don't deserve anyone's friendship, love, or forgiveness. I'm evil." Jack took her by the shoulders and stared into her eyes. "Don't you dare ever say that again. You deserve everything in life just as much as anyone else does. What happened was not your fault. What happened to Les wasn't my fault either. I finally realize that now. Maybe we having lived perfect lives and people did get hurt because of us. But that doesn't mean we're evil. We were just doing what were thought was right and following our beliefs. I know you're a good person. And maybe together we can get out lives back and work for all the good I know we're capable of. But in order to do that, we can't keep living in the past. What's done is done. It can't be changed. But the future's still undecided. And I plan to make the most of mine. I'd like to do that with you. If you'll have me." Jack stared at Sally questioningly, wanting to kiss her but knowing it was too soon. "Jack, I'm so glad I met you. You make me feel like I really can make a difference. I don't know if I'll ever full forgive myself for what happened. But I do know that I want to go on living. I want to be with you and together work to maybe understand why I'm here." Jack stroked her short black hair with his hand. He stared at the tears streaming down her face, imagining they matched the ones on his own. He traced the cut mark down her check with his thumb and then leaned in and kissed her. "I know why you're here." He said quietly. "You're here to be with me and I'm here to be with you. I think they call it soul mates. If we're always together we'll always have each other to help us through whatever comes our way. We're perfect for each other." Sally laughed softly. It was the first time Jack had seen her smile. He thought she was more beautiful than any girl he had ever seen before. Staring up into Jack's face, Sally thought she could never find a more handsome man. A man who could match herself so perfectly. She truly wanted nothing more in life than to spend all of it looking at his face. "I'm sure you'd rather see me in a nice dress, though." She added. "I'm sure you'd be lovely in a dress, but I like you fine the way you are now." Jack bent to kiss her again and this time she responded passionately. It was a long time before the two of them return to the lodging house that night, hand in hand. 


End file.
